The Real Me

1956953_10201489104169839_1387849633_oDiscovering who I am today started about 17 years ago when I realized that I was not only suffering from post-partum depression and also from manic depression.  I had severe low self –image and self esteem, and felt inadequate in every single thing that I did. I knew that I needed a change but I didn’t know how all of that was on the inside of me would come out. A song that the Lord placed in my spirit at that time was from Fred Hammond.  Isaiah 54:17 NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST ME SHALL PROSPER!

I had just delivered my third child which was my last child.  I had no clue I had post partum depression because I didn’t suffer from it with my first two children.  I was already depressed from the contract job I had to take after I quit working in Corporate America so I could start my own business.  A few months earlier I left my children’s father after years of abuse on so many forms.  I didn’t see any change from the ferverent prayers I had been praying for God to come in and save my marriage (or so I thought) He was getting married to the woman that was a shadow the entire time in the last few years of our life together.

Within six months of delivering my third child I cried out to the Lord as I was curled up in a ball on the floor “If you are taking me take me”.  I truly expected I was going to die that night.  As you see I didn’t.  I woke up the next morning realizing that I am here for a reason, but the reason hadn’t been clearly defined as of yet.  I wasn’t happy that I woke up but I knew that something in my life was about to change.  I knew that it was God’s reasoning and I had to go with HIS flow.

I remember in the next few days saying “Lord, deliver me from me and use me for thee”.  Little did I know that those few words in prayer would cause a huge stirring in the atmosphere for my healing.

In the past for years all people saw was the out-going strong personality person.  SO many didn’t know what I was dealing with at home on a daily basis. I would cry when I woke up and I would cry when I went to sleep.  I didn’t know what was wrong with me and didn’t want to take the time to see what it was.

Now when you think of healing you have to know that it’s painful.  I have always been a WOMAN OF FAITH!  I ACTUALLY HAVE THE GIFT OF FAITH!.  So rightfully so that is what was carrying me for those years.  What the Lord knew I Needed was HOLY BOLDNESS AND GOD CONFIDENCE!

To know and find my true purpose.  I was stretched beyond my natural capacity with out my knowledge.  I remember crying day after day and night after night until I snapped.  I wanted to scream on the inside and couldn’t.  I felt blocked and trapped.  But THE HEALING BALM of Jesus was revealed and released.  I walked into my sister’s job that day and when she saw us when we walked in she knew something was wrong.  I had poured a whole entire bottle of anointing on all of my children’s heads.  She called my dad to come and get my kids and my mother flew in that night to come in and get me. When I fell asleep that night before we left I heard the Lord say loud and clear “the gift of healing has been released to you”. 

The next day  I got on a plane with my mom.  I was petrified.  I was scared and felt like someone was trying to kill me for about three weeks straight.  I felt like someone was following me in the stores, in the car and everywhere else I went.   I was hearing voices “thank goodness they were all positive”, but my flesh was weak and tormented by a man that took something from me without my permission.  If I had not given in I would not be here today.  He created a soul-tie that imparted the spirit of death, the spirit of murder and the spirit of suicide.  I was already a self victimized predator but with these combinations…you know it is only by God’s grace that I am here today.

The enemy thought he had me but my sweet wonderful Jesus came and grabbed and held me close so that I wouldn’t let go.  I knew from that night I serve a covenant keeping God.  He made a covenant with me and has not backed down, bowed out or turned his back on me.  He is truly the Lover of my Soul.

When I got to my mom’s house, the first thing she did was take me to several different hospitals over the course of three days and had me checked out.  I was given several different medications but what we didn’t know at the time that what was going on in my life was a spiritual battle. As we know the scripture states  “that the battle is not mine but it was the Lords”  There was nothing on earth that could heal what God was doing in my life b/c I cried out to him in the midnight hour to “deliver me from me and use me for thee.”

My mother felt like she had exhausted all of her resources and took me to church.  As I walked into the office I heard his “his presence is here to heal.”  From that instant I sat down in the chair my healing began.  I don’t what all I said in that hour visit but I do know I walked out of that office a healed woman.  Healed from the soulties that were imparted into me of death and murder and suicide.  I was healed from every ungodly soul tie that had been created out of a place of vulnerability.  Looking for love in all the wrong places.  The last words she said to me was you have the ability to hear God and see things beyond the normal human eye.  You will one day be sharing before multitudes of women your story.  I want you to know that I walked out of that room a healed woman.  RELEASED INTO PURPOSE AND DESTINY.  I knew that by his stripes I was healed.